thinking

I think to much into stuff, i don't know why in the hell i do that but i do. i always say everything happens for a reasons. i also tell people to just that things be and they will work out the way they a suppose to but see i tell other people this stuff, which to be honest is good advice but i don't ever take my own advice i always worry about stuff that honestly i have no control over. I just need to learn to let go a little and enjoy myself a little but to be honest once again, i am scared. i have been hurting myself and others around me for so long that i am just scared to let go and have fun or even smile. i don't want to hurt anyone any more or myself for that matter. This all started when i was in jail for those of you that don't know i was in jail for 2 years well while i was in there i found GOD not that he was lost it was me that was lost, he was always there smiling i am not saying that he was happy about the things that i did but he know that i would find my way again, he knew that i had to do what i had to do to make me the person i am. i would like to say something to all the people that don't believe in GOD, please don't shy away from this page i am not going to preach to you and say your way is wrong i embrace what everyone believes in weather you believe in Buddha or whatever. All i am saying is that i believe in GOD because i have proof that he is here in my life. OK on with what i was saying This all stared in prison i did 2 years for robbery while i was in there i ask GOD to just get me out of this please just let them let me go and i will do whatever you want me to is what i ask for, the day i went to court to find out what i was going to get i was so confident that i was going to get out of all of this because of what i had ask for. But that's not what i got i got 2 years in a state prison i was so angry at him for not getting me out of this the whole way back to Bedford county jail i just kept asking why why would you let them do this to me. While i got back to my cell block and told the people there what i got out and while i was doing this my one friend was just sitting back and soaking all i said in (i will tell more about this person in a minute) when i was done talking to everyone i went to my cell to let my head a head clear a little. Then my friend came up to me and ask me why i thought it was Gods fault(now when i was telling everyone i never said that it was Gods fault) so i ask him what he meant, then he said that he could see it in my eyes and that hit me, because i was blaming GOD for not getting me out of it when it was all my fault to start with he never wanted me to rob a store why should he get me out of it which i am glad that he never answered that prayer because i would have been back out doing the same thing a week later. Now i want to say something about this friend of mine and the reasons why i even let what he said go to my heart. When i first meet this guy i didn't like him at all he was just one of those punks that have no respect for anyone he would go to are church service in jail and make fun of the preacher and put GOD down all the time. So one day after church i pulled him aside back on the block and told him not to go any more if he was just going to put everyone down he got all mad and started yelling at me. so i just back away then he hit me in the back of the head so i turned around and just look at him there was so much pain in his eyes i just look at him for what seemed like forever then he broke eye contact and turned around and walk into his cell, and then the other people on the block told me to go beat his ass but i couldn't stop having this feeling that i should just go talk to him, but i didnt i just walk to my cell. Later that night he came up to my cell i thought he wanted to fight but what came out of his mouth was not what i expected he said he was sorry, and that surprised me that is a word you never hear in jail, i knew it had to take alot to say that so i told him it was alright and i went back to reading my book and then he said he didnt know why he went to church and did that stuff , he said he just wanted proof that GOD was really there. So the i ask him what his story was which is another thing you dont do in jail, so i just expected him to walk away but then he started to tell me his story was much like mine started drugs a a young age robbery place for money and always hurting people on the way. We talk for along time about what are past where like and alot of other stuff. Then he told me something else that hit me he said he didnt know why he said he was sorry because he had wanted to come up to my cell and fight but when he got to my door and seen me and what i was reading he didnt want to anymore so he just said sorry(i was reading the bible). When he left he ask me if i had another bible that he could get off of me i didnt i only had one but i told him he could have it,he took it and went back to his cell. the next morning i went down to the block to eat breakfast he was locked down in his cell for not getting up for head count. so i ate and went back to bed when i got up again i went back down to the block and look in his cell and he was reading the bible. Now when your in jail and someone is lock down you cant talk to them, but i just had to ask him what was up. so i said whats up man and he look up and said this is some good shit (he was talking about the bible) i said that that was probably not the best thing to say about the bible and he said your right and then we laughed, but then he told me he was up all night reading it and couldnt get up in the morning for count but he was alright with it that he was locked down because he had more time to read it. Thats why i say every thing happens for a reasons i got through to him and we would talk about the bible all the time after that So when he came to my cell that day i knew GOD had another plan for me.. I know i stared out talking about one thing and ended on another. but i just stared writing and this is what came out.