FUCK

why does it always seem that the people close to us hurt us the most, i think maybe its because we leave them into are hearts without question without reasons and the spot in are hearts that is for them will always be open for them to do what they want with. sometimes i wish i could be a cold hearted son of a bitch and close everyone out never leave anyone get close to me even the ones i love the most just shut everyone out live my life alone and by myself. then maybe the pain would stop. i just hate feeling this way this is how i felt for years and i thought i was done with all of this the way i feel now is the reasons i did drugs i just wanted the pain to stop i hate feeling this way, i dont know how to deal with it i want to cry and scream but i wont let myself pride i guess stupid i know. my daughter told me she didnt live me and yes sis i know she is only 2 but it still hurts more then i would like to say or express. to hear her say those words rps me apart she wants to be with her mom more then me and once again i know she is only two but her mother is all she has know for two years because of my stupid ass i just cant stop blameing my self for all of this. then to make shit even worse i got other people throwing shit in my face yeah sure i was a fuck up and sure right now i dont do the things i should but fuck for as long as i can know honest to god i have been in some kind of drug induced haze and i sure my life isnt as bad as some and im sure that some people deal with there own shit better then me and others worse but fuck i cant deal with this mentel abuse punch me kick whatever just dont fuck with my head i do that enough. i just ask god for a break but i havent gotten it yet i guess he has something in store for me i dont know what it is, i guess i still havent paid my dues for all the shit i have done or maybe its because i havent given it all to him yet but to be honest i dont know if i can. i just feel like i want to die and thats not good thats a sign that means i am thinking about giveing up i guess its just good that i hate to think of where i would be if i did that i dont want to give up. so i guess i will just keep going and hope for the best keep my head up high and just keep trying to make myself better. thanks for listening you all have been great