Journey into one mans world

forlong

2008-10-16T21:17:00.002-04:00

sometimes i think that i am put in peoples lives to help them realize there self or to find there self, which of couse some people might think that i am crazy, but that doesnt matter to me, i have been crazy for a long time. i just think that its funny the way i feel sometimes things go so good then oher times things go so shitty its not funny, but i guess that is how life goes. i also think that other people are put in my life for the same reason to help me find my self but i am blind i always have been. it reminds me of something someone once told me while i was in prison in oder to find someone trur to there self and true to what they beleave in question them about what they beleave in and try to get them to sway on what they beleave and if they crack and go with waht you say then they not know what they beleave in or who they are. i agree with this to a point but i also think that you have to be albe to change your mind as you grow i know that i dont beleave in the same things as i did when i was a kid. but mybe if we all did have the mind of a kid things wouldnt be so bad there would be so much pain in the world, and yes to those that read this there is much pain in the world and also to thise that feel as if everything is pixe dust and candy open your eyes feel what the world is srceaming feel the pain of the world, dont just live in your own little world rise up to the call stand for hope and promise in the world of tomorrom. we need hope to servive in this world. peace

FUCK

2008-09-29T18:37:00.002-04:00

why does it always seem that the people close to us hurt us the most, i think maybe its because we leave them into are hearts without question without reasons and the spot in are hearts that is for them will always be open for them to do what they want with. sometimes i wish i could be a cold hearted son of a bitch and close everyone out never leave anyone get close to me even the ones i love the most just shut everyone out live my life alone and by myself. then maybe the pain would stop. i just hate feeling this way this is how i felt for years and i thought i was done with all of this the way i feel now is the reasons i did drugs i just wanted the pain to stop i hate feeling this way, i dont know how to deal with it i want to cry and scream but i wont let myself pride i guess stupid i know. my daughter told me she didnt live me and yes sis i know she is only 2 but it still hurts more then i would like to say or express. to hear her say those words rps me apart she wants to be with her mom more then me and once again i know she is only two but her mother is all she has know for two years because of my stupid ass i just cant stop blameing my self for all of this. then to make shit even worse i got other people throwing shit in my face yeah sure i was a fuck up and sure right now i dont do the things i should but fuck for as long as i can know honest to god i have been in some kind of drug induced haze and i sure my life isnt as bad as some and im sure that some people deal with there own shit better then me and others worse but fuck i cant deal with this mentel abuse punch me kick whatever just dont fuck with my head i do that enough. i just ask god for a break but i havent gotten it yet i guess he has something in store for me i dont know what it is, i guess i still havent paid my dues for all the shit i have done or maybe its because i havent given it all to him yet but to be honest i dont know if i can. i just feel like i want to die and thats not good thats a sign that means i am thinking about giveing up i guess its just good that i hate to think of where i would be if i did that i dont want to give up. so i guess i will just keep going and hope for the best keep my head up high and just keep trying to make myself better. thanks for listening you all have been great

thinking

2008-09-07T00:00:00.002-04:00

I think to much into stuff, i don't know why in the hell i do that but i do. i always say everything happens for a reasons. i also tell people to just that things be and they will work out the way they a suppose to but see i tell other people this stuff, which to be honest is good advice but i don't ever take my own advice i always worry about stuff that honestly i have no control over. I just need to learn to let go a little and enjoy myself a little but to be honest once again, i am scared. i have been hurting myself and others around me for so long that i am just scared to let go and have fun or even smile. i don't want to hurt anyone any more or myself for that matter. This all started when i was in jail for those of you that don't know i was in jail for 2 years well while i was in there i found GOD not that he was lost it was me that was lost, he was always there smiling i am not saying that he was happy about the things that i did but he know that i would find my way again, he knew that i had to do what i had to do to make me the person i am. i would like to say something to all the people that don't believe in GOD, please don't shy away from this page i am not going to preach to you and say your way is wrong i embrace what everyone believes in weather you believe in Buddha or whatever. All i am saying is that i believe in GOD because i have proof that he is here in my life. OK on with what i was saying This all stared in prison i did 2 years for robbery while i was in there i ask GOD to just get me out of this please just let them let me go and i will do whatever you want me to is what i ask for, the day i went to court to find out what i was going to get i was so confident that i was going to get out of all of this because of what i had ask for. But that's not what i got i got 2 years in a state prison i was so angry at him for not getting me out of this the whole way back to Bedford county jail i just kept asking why why would you let them do this to me. While i got back to my cell block and told the people there what i got out and while i was doing this my one friend was just sitting back and soaking all i said in (i will tell more about this person in a minute) when i was done talking to everyone i went to my cell to let my head a head clear a little. Then my friend came up to me and ask me why i thought it was Gods fault(now when i was telling everyone i never said that it was Gods fault) so i ask him what he meant, then he said that he could see it in my eyes and that hit me, because i was blaming GOD for not getting me out of it when it was all my fault to start with he never wanted me to rob a store why should he get me out of it which i am glad that he never answered that prayer because i would have been back out doing the same thing a week later. Now i want to say something about this friend of mine and the reasons why i even let what he said go to my heart. When i first meet this guy i didn't like him at all he was just one of those punks that have no respect for anyone he would go to are church service in jail and make fun of the preacher and put GOD down all the time. So one day after church i pulled him aside back on the block and told him not to go any more if he was just going to put everyone down he got all mad and started yelling at me. so i just back away then he hit me in the back of the head so i turned around and just look at him there was so much pain in his eyes i just look at him for what seemed like forever then he broke eye contact and turned around and walk into his cell, and then the other people on the block told me to go beat his ass but i couldn't stop having this feeling that i should just go talk to him, but i didnt i just walk to my cell. Later that night he came up to my cell i thought he wanted to fight but what came out of his mouth was not what i expected he said he was sorry, and that surprised me that is a word you never hear in jail, i knew it had to take alot to say that so i told him it was alright and i went back to reading my book and then he said he didnt know why he went to church and did that stuff , he said he just wanted proof that GOD was really there. So the i ask him what his story was which is another thing you dont do in jail, so i just expected him to walk away but then he started to tell me his story was much like mine started drugs a a young age robbery place for money and always hurting people on the way. We talk for along time about what are past where like and alot of other stuff. Then he told me something else that hit me he said he didnt know why he said he was sorry because he had wanted to come up to my cell and fight but when he got to my door and seen me and what i was reading he didnt want to anymore so he just said sorry(i was reading the bible). When he left he ask me if i had another bible that he could get off of me i didnt i only had one but i told him he could have it,he took it and went back to his cell. the next morning i went down to the block to eat breakfast he was locked down in his cell for not getting up for head count. so i ate and went back to bed when i got up again i went back down to the block and look in his cell and he was reading the bible. Now when your in jail and someone is lock down you cant talk to them, but i just had to ask him what was up. so i said whats up man and he look up and said this is some good shit (he was talking about the bible) i said that that was probably not the best thing to say about the bible and he said your right and then we laughed, but then he told me he was up all night reading it and couldnt get up in the morning for count but he was alright with it that he was locked down because he had more time to read it. Thats why i say every thing happens for a reasons i got through to him and we would talk about the bible all the time after that So when he came to my cell that day i knew GOD had another plan for me.. I know i stared out talking about one thing and ended on another. but i just stared writing and this is what came out.

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prison writeings

2008-08-15T16:02:00.003-04:00

These things that i am about to write are from when i was in prison, i had found them when i was going through my stuff,and i thought that some people might find that you my readers(if there are any) might find it interesting. so here we go.
Most of the time i don't know why i feel the way i do. sometimes i feel as if i am empty inside like something is missing but i don't know what it is , i don't know if it is this place or if it is my life that is empty. i hope to find the answer.
The paths we choose aren't always the smoothest or even the best,but the path we choose is what makes us who we are. if we choose the easy path when something hard comes up we don't know how to handle it.
Fury,rage,anger,hate what good can come of these words,nothing good i know this for sure.Because i feel trapped inside my self by my feelings unable to release the darkness that grows inside me, this worries me, because i can fill it growing inside me and not slowing down. i don't know if this was the place or just me.
these are just some of the things i found i was in a dark place at that time, but i am doing alot better now it feels awesome to be free. if i find anymore of these i will post them. if there are any readers please leave me know what you think.

life

2008-08-14T13:40:00.004-04:00

so its like this i am 24 years old i have a beautiful daughter that is two soon to be three. i was in prison for two years for driving a get away car for a robbery(yeah stupid i know). i missed two years of my daughters life she was six months old when i went to prison. i seen her take her first steps behind a piece of glass over two inch's thick and heard her say her first words over the phone. Talk about your heart being ripped out,but i was in a bad place i was addicted to alot of junk i was what they call a garbage can i would do anything that was around just so i wouldn't have to deal with the world around me, and by the time my daughter had come i was to far gone. The sad thing is all i ever wanted was to have a family one that wasn't like mine I wanted a woman that would always be there for me and our family. I thought i had found that in the girl i was dating at the time and later on had my little girl to, but boy was i wrong. it was like as soon as she found out she was she changed into someone i didn't even know, and we had been dating for four years and then what she wanted changed she no longer wanted what i wanted but changed into what she wanted we wanted a family from the start and then she decides she doesn't want that anymore she starts to cheat on me and like a dumb ass i didn't want to be leave it but she did and man did it hurt so i started doing drugs again to escape the pain(which by the way is the pussy's way out) instead of dealing dealing with it and moving on i just sunk deeper and deeper into my own mind. I started hating my self and all those that had what i wanted. but the story really doesn't start here it starts when i was much much younger, when i lived at home still living with my parents.
This is how it all really started i grew up in a less the mid class family but we wasn't poor there was always food on the table and clothes on our backs. I have one sister that is seven years older then me and i love her to death. my dad worked all the time early mornings and late nights and my mother well what can i say about her. i love her to death to she is my mom after all but she had problems, it was like nothing we ever did was good enough. she always wanted more more more when i think about it now she was more like a sister to me then a mom my sister took care of me alot when i was growing up along with my aunt. i don't really remember that much from my childhood but the fight my parents would have and my mom kicking us all out, we would go to my aunts alot but my dad he would always sleep in his truck, pride i guess. but my dad would never hit my mom what my mom did to him and to us was alot worse then hitting us she used mental abuse telling me that i wasn't good enough and telling my dad that he should kill himself and all kinds of other stuff. From what i can remember of growing up it was fucked up. now i would like to make something clear i talk real good of my dad and yes he is a good man but he is far from being a saint he has made his own mistakes in life but i will get to that later.
so to move on a little in my life i was 11 or 12 when we got our new house man was its nice the trailer we lived in before was all right but it only had two bedrooms and not that much room. i was so happy when we got it i finally had my own room. when we got it i felt like a new chapter would start in our lives a happier chapter, i felt that my mom and dad would get along. before in our old house they fought all the time. I remember one time when my mother shot out the windows in the house just because my dad said he was sick of my moms shit. so i was hoping for a better life in this new house, and it was for a while my mom seemed to like it my dad had found a good job making good money. so we were doing great, but it didn't last long she went back to nothing being good enough. life went on as it always does things seemed to get worse in stead of better. now i would like to say something about myself here before i get to far into this thing i was not the best kind in the world i was far from and i blamed myself for the longest time for the fights my parents would get into it always seemed that they were fighting about me or something i did but the older i got the more i started to realize that it wasn't all my fault. another thing is i am kind of scatter brained so if i jump back and fourth just bare with me and keep reading I'm sure you will find something you like or don't but hey I'm not perfect.
but anyways on with the story i started doing drugs when i was 12 or so maybe 13. i started out small just smoking pot and just every now and then, and man did that change my life i had finally found the escape from the world i was looking for(now i don't see anything wrong with pot as long as its used in small dose's its been proven) so i started not really caring what went on at home i had found a way to deal with all the bullshit even if it was the wrong way i could deal with it. so life goes on as it always seems to do. then i went to high school and man was that awesome i found people with problems just the same as mine. i learned alot the First year of high school but not what i should have learned. i was introduced to all kinds of new drugs. the world seemed to be looking up for me and man was it great. but its like that song if i only knew what i know now back then when i was younger.
well that's part of my story for now, i will write more. so if you like what you have read so far come back there is so much more i have only begun, and even if you didn't like it so far still come back i am sure you will find something you like.
This story will be continued at a latter time.

How it all started

2008-08-14T00:09:00.000-04:00

First off i would just like to say hi, I'm new to this blog thing I'm not even sure if anyone will ever read this but all well. i was told by a very important person that this could have a very good therapeutic value, and to tell the Truth i be leave it. so if you have any feed back for me please feel free to leave it. So i guess i should get started.